Teen Pregnancy

This was the start of everything I had feared but knew that somehow it would work out for the best. Fears of death and fears of Joy. I knew I would have New eyes to the world after experiencing something so life-changing as this. I wasn't for sure what would happen. I knew I had to start learning if I was going to move on from here. I was about to start a journey that would change my life forever no matter what I chose to do. I was just a child, How was it all going to work out?

3 months pregnant at 16 years old

I was a shy and timid child growing up, keeping to myself and not wanting to be around a lot of people. I am the baby of my family and looked up to my older siblings but I had to find my own way. My siblings were much older than myself so as they moved out I found myself the last child still at home. I prayed and wrote in my journal regularly over those long lonely years. Most of the entries in my journal became prayers to the Lord. The Lord and I began a great friendship the year I found myself pregnant scared and alone at 16. My home life was as good as it could get. I had both my father and mother at home with me. My daddy worked in a factory and did small side jobs and my mom was a stay at home momma and would also do small jobs for others. I was raised in a Pentecostal church and my parents and family being active and involved in many diffrent areas in the church setting. My school years were stressful. I only went to school because I had to and didnt enjoy most of it. The bullies always found some reason to pick on me, weather it was for being tall and thin and shy. At the age of 15 and Being being the youngest child of 3 girls living in a small country town in upstate Pennsylvania there were not many thing to do. The closest city was 45 mins away, and we didn't go there very often.

I started to look for my husband at the young age of 12. I began to dress like the older girls, wear makeup and act like them. I watched everything they did. I began to attract the wrong kind of men!! At first, it felt weird like why are all these guys treating me like this but as I asked my family they assured me that it was because they liked me and that I was beautiful. That's when I met (Him) The man I was sure I would marry. The man that gave me all of his attention. The one who I spent more time with than anyone else. My relationship with the Lord was put on hold, at that time. I filled my time with everything that revolved around that boy and what he was doing.

My likes and dreams and hopes all began to change ....... That's when one thing leads to another and I heard a lie from the enemy that If we loved each other and we were PLANNING on getting married it would be ok to give myself, but oh did I not understand what that would lead me too. How it would change my life.

As I heard the holy spirit whisper to my spirit That it was not a good idea I bargained with the Lord..... well lord I'm going to marry him...... well lord I love him..... and on and on it went until the lord got quiet. (the lord will not push himself on anyone and will let you make your own choices)

After dating this boy for 4 years And we planned to marry when we were 18 we decided we were ready to be intimate, after all we were planning on being married. (biggest lie of the enemy) Months went by and that's when I noticed things to my body starting to change....

The 1st noticeable sign to my body that started to change was pain in my chest area it started to pinch and ache. I remember telling my mom that my chest hurts really bad and I don't know why. As another week went by I noticed mood swings and when I went to the bathroom And went "number one" that it was a different color than normal and it smelled kinda strong and seemed more forced than before. Three months went by and that's when I was almost sure I had to be pregnant. Something inside me just knew I must have been as I have missed my cycle and I was always regular. I started getting scared so I started to research. Thankfully internet had been out a few years and I could get some info about it. I remember that I was so scared to take that first pregnancy test and just wanted to forget about it. He and I would talk about what if I was pregnant what would we do and what our parents would say.

We had made plans up if I really was. One day at my job one of the girls came over to me and asked me if I was and I said I didn't know for sure but feel like I am. That was when she said call your mom and tell her I will bring you home because we are working late so I did. After work that night on our way home she said we need to know for sure if you are or not let's go get a test. We went into the local grocery store,

My heart was pounding My hands were sweaty, I didn't want to know for sure because fear took over. As we walked through the store and she bought the test for me she asked me what I would do If I was pregnant. If I would keep the baby or give it up. If I would tell me parents and what they would say. Questions I have never thought of I had to somehow find an answer to. We checked out and walked to the restroom as we went in and I took the test I had this lump in my throat praying oh lord I don't know what I did please work this all out please forgive me. As we waited for the test to turn, it was final, positive. Oh, No Now what!!

In that moment I had thought all my hopes and dreams were over for my life and now It would change everything.

What will my parents really say? How will My boyfriend respond knowing that I was really pregnant? I held on to the test and the secret for weeks before finally breaking down.

I felt all alone, and so scared.

Pretty soon everyone started hearing roomers and asking me questions they started calling me horrible names. I felt so alone and debated and struggled with wanting to live.

It wasn't like it happens with a person I didn't know or didn't truly cared for. We were dating each other for a few years before any of this even happened. We were in love and everyone knew it. I finally went to the school guidance counselor after the teacher got wind of everything going on. She asked me if I wanted to keep the baby and I said I love the baby's daddy so of course, I want to keep the baby. I always want to be a mom of many children but not so soon. She then made me call my mom and tell her. I couldn't get enough strength or words to be able to tell her so I let the Guidance counselor tell her. I could hear my mothers voice over the phone as she told her. I felt so helpless and so scared she would hate me as I disappointed her.

Then she handed the phone over to me and my mom proceeded to tell me that she loved me and that they are happy to have a new little baby coming into our family and that they didn't care I was so young. I herd her tears of joy. That they would still care for me and love me and the baby.

That school day was over and I couldn't go home, I just could not go home because I felt as though I disappointed them. I was so ashamed!

I went home with my cousin. But my mom found me and took me home. I felt so ashamed and dirty I didn't want to bring that home to my parents. I had friends ask me if I wanted them to punch me in the stomach so I would miscarry. I didn't know how to feel about that. One min I wanted them to and the next I wanted this little baby growing inside of me. I wanted to be the mom the Lord created me to be but just not that soon or alone. I knew it didn't feel right to just try to kill the child that the Lord tucked away inside my body or just somehow get rid of it. I knew that This baby wasn't just an accident. I was fully aware of what I was doing and what would happen if I did that. After all this boy and I loved each other we would have this perfect little family. (Or so I thought) So I had to accept what the Lord was teaching me through it all. Every day went by and it got harder at school. People would tease me and say why do you think you are pregnant when I don't even see a belly on you. It was by far the worst torment of my life. Everything that you can imagine the enemy saying I heard out loud said to me,in my weakest moment. When it should have been a joyful time of new life it was everything but that. I wanted the baby so much now that it was put there but no one saw any good outta that baby growing inside me, but my momma. I would go home from school every day crying inside not knowing why I had to be so dumb and think that I couldn't get pregnant. The friends I did have couldn't hang out with me no more because I was pregnant and I would be a bad influence on them. I was the bad girl and no one wanted me around. I remember eating lunch all alone as everyone whispered and teased me. I found one person who I asked If I could just sit at their table and eat my lunch quickly as there were no other tables that had any empty seats. They said sure, I ate quickly and left as soon as I could. I didn't want to make anyone else look as bad as I. I also recall in my homeroom there were these two children who were so kind to me and told me they knew that the baby's dad and I were in love and they knew that I wasn't a "W". That I was a good girl just made bad choices. But by keeping the baby I was making a good choice. I felt it must have been an angel saying that to me because no one saw any good out of the situation that I was in.

My mom saw the pain I was going through so that's when she pulled me out of high school to homeschool me. At that time the babies daddy had his own struggles and was sent away to a privet school 4 hours from where I lived.

The days went by and now that I was homeschooled I felt relieved I could actually learn and get away from all the negative hurtful Comments. My mom would sit with me and teach me how to be a mother. How to sew and how to cook. She would have long talks with me about how she and her mother would do things, together. It felt so good to be with my mom and feel her love. She would go on long walks with me so that I stayed healthy in my pregnancy and answer any question or fears I had. We even took a Lamaze class together as it was suggested that I take it by a nurse in the Dr's office that I was going to for check-ups.

I am so thankful that I took that class, It showed us how to prepare for birth and what to expect, pictures and open questions, and answers. I am so thankful for my momma's support during that time.

The rejection I felt as a sixteen year-old and pregnant with my first baby was real. I would have never made it through if I didn't have my mom they're being my warrior and standing up for me when I really needed her. She was not a perfect mom but what she showed me when it really counted was how to love a rejected person. How to bring life to a place that was broken inside of a person. She showed me one of the best gifts anyone could show and give. She gave me LOVE!! Love Can Move Mountains and that was what it took!The love of a mother, daughter, and baby to bring me and my momma's relationship back together in love.

When I began to except my momma's love and give her love back I began to thank the Lord for how good he is. How great his will for my life is even though I didn't see what he was doing then but now know The Lord was bringing back the first love. As I now look at my own grown son as he starts a family of his own I am in awe. We never thought we would get through those teen years But I was reassurance that I am raising him for the Lord and as I trained him for the Lord it will not return void. That the Lord will not hold him accountable for my sins. That he has a fresh start at his own relationship with the Lord. I am so thankful for the strength and mercy that the Lord has shown me through raising my son and letting me chose life for him! I first had to be shown life before I could have ever given life. I had to be in a broken place before I truly could find that love from my parents as well as the lords loves again. To be able to give the love out I had to learn what love really is.

My point in sharing all this with you is to let you know you are not alone you are very special and the Lord will make it all work out for his glory if you refocus. The Lord said let not the little children come unto me. He also said train up the children in the ways they should go and when they are old they will come back. If we believe and trust that we have done all we can do the Lord will take care of the rest of our life. Have faith that the Lord will dig you out of the mess you have gotten into and set your feet back up on the rock if you ask him to, and turn your life back to him.

After all I was a good girl just made bad choices! The lord turns all fear into love and Hope. The new life that he brought into my life was the start of a beautiful thing he was doing to help direct my life and settle me down from what the world was going to do. The Lord will also do this for you if you let him.

Many blessings,

Margaret