I am who I am who sent me

I ask myself why. Why do I do this or that.

Why do I look at people lips instead of there eyes.

Why do I speak loudly and have a deeper voice?

Or not speak at all?

Why do I say I know instead of I understand.

Or cool instead of interesting.....

Why do I use I statements....... It's not because of pride.

Let me dive into the why, it's important for you to understand my background and where I have came from to get a better understanding.

I was raised by both of my parents in a small country town in upstate PA. Along the boarder of PA and NY state. It have been said that a lot of the people there were of native American Indians who have all went into hiding when the government made them leave there land and moved them out west some on the trail of tears. My descendents did not want to leave so they scattered down state from NY and found the small little town I've grown up in. (A story for another time)

Fast forward I am the baby of three girls. My parents got saved and became Pentecostal some time when my oldest sister was small. I was raised in church and Sundays and Wednesdays and many other times were filled with church events.My momma would always say ... If the doors of the church are open and the pastor has to be there we need to be there too. They served in many areas over my childhood at the church. My oldest sister became a pastors wife and we would also help later there.

We would go on Fridays to Bible study at my Aunt Cora's house. I loved those times. Sometimes when I was there, their son was there I was told he could not hear me talk so I had to get his attention and look at him and speak slowly so he could read my lips. I was told he was sent away for years to a school in the city to learn sign language and learn how to talk and do all the things he needed. At the time that was a little scary for a little girl to process.

But he was the most humble gentleman and I've always looked up to him and his family.

My grandmother was also deaf and could only hear very little tones but I was not one of them that she could hear at all.

It was very hard to communicate with her.she would always say I can't hear you and say speak up. She would get frustrated because she could never hear or understand me. So I'd give up trying to say what I wanted because by that time I was frustrated myself, and forgot what I was trying to say. She never did learn sign language and tryed to read lips. But most people she could not communicate with or would ask if some she knew could go with her so they could help her to communicate with them. In her late years she was able to get hearing aids but they bothered her and she never like to wear them. So her home was filled with a lot of people trying to communicate with her loudly. She said she believes that her hearing loss was due to the fact that in her younger years she was in loud bars with the DJs playing so loudly damaging her ears over time.

My momma also could not hear very well.

She would always say what I can't hear you speak up. I've always have had sensitivities to things. Loud noises and foods and people, things,places....

So I had to speak very loud and scream so my mom could hear me. Over time that has made my voice deeper. I remember trying to make my voice high but my momma would say why did you change your voice it's worse. Anytime my family would all be together we would have to shout to talk to and include my momma that I'd get a headache and get over stimulated and never could last very long or take lots of time outs.

She would always get ear ache that were so painful I'd try to help her clean her ears out and prayed this time she could hear me better.

Eventually she did get hearing aids after all of us children grew up and moved out.

But we became great lip readers within our family. We could be across the church and we could understand what each other lipped. It was pretty amazing.

I have been tested many times for hearing loss in my younger years and have had some hearing loss. I'm not sure if it hereditary or from damage. I have not been tested in many years to see if it has became worse or not. But after my last pregnancy I find myself not able to hear something's as good as before.

Over the years I have tried to learn sign language from people who signed in front of me or from books. Picking up few words here and there. But this year I was offered to take a sign language class with a sister from church and it has been the most beneficial and I have learned the most signs yet. I hope to be able to learn to speak with people who can not hear well and use it in my everyday life with my children.

Some of my children had delayed speech and I used my own signs to talk with them when they were babies so I could help them with there needs without them getting to frustrated trying to get out the words. I also learned when I worked in the headstart program when I was just a teen that some children learn signs quicker then they learn how to form words to speak.

I also wondered why I needed to have speech therapy in my early years. I'm wondering if it was due to having a hard of hearing momma and Gramma. Having to shout my words or not speak at all.

The speech therapist told me to look at his mouth to form the words correctly. So I was told to look at people's mouth's to learn to pronounce words and to understand what people were saying. I is now very hard for me to look in a person's eyes and still know what they are trying to say. I will ask several times what they are trying to say if I look at the eyes instead of the mouth when communicating. So now I've developed to look at both eyes and mouth but still focused on the mouth to understand.

I couldn't speak for a few years without studdering because of how hard I was trying to correct my words and how intimidated I've felt that I couldn't use the correct words like everyone else to get my points across. Sometimes that studdering still seems to creep up on me but with the Lord's help I'm able to still get my points across to those who take the time to listen

In school the teacher would always say you know this.... Come on you know this...

So I'd say back to myself I know this as I process what I do know.....

Such as I know ..... But what you really mean is I understand.

It's not a pride thing to say I know this... As you process what you do really know of the subject. I believe it was how the teacher presented it to the class and being it was a country classroom. They have different slang then a city classroom may have and used those words the students picked up on.

Using an I statement was also a way of describing how you felt without triggering or hurting anyone else that is hearing you. It's not a pride this just a different form of communication that some people who understand trauma may use.

Coming to the city I quickly realized no one was using the word cool anymore ... So I had to find other words to replace that with and felt very illiterate at the time trying to communicate. It has been a really hard transition moving from a small native country town to a big ol city and my slang is just not cutting it....

So I've learned to not say anything or not speak to just anyone. And anyone who has the patience to look past a person's outward and get to know there heart and past the shell it will be so worth there time.

Write it down so that it's plan and simple and clear for the reader to understand.

This is why I choose to write. I have a lot to say if someone would take the time to listen they would see I'm not so different after all. The Lord can and will use it for his glory if we let him.

This is just a little piece of the big puzzle What are your thoughts or similarities to the way I've grown up?